The Danger of an Extroverted Introvert

Hi. My name is Chris. I am a self proclaimed and very self aware "extroverted introvert."

For those that don't know, this means that I can be the life of a party for a time, but at some point, I must flee and recharge. I tell my small group that I have to go back to my "hole."

Still don't get it? Let's try video games. I only have so many "hearts" or length of a "life bar", and I must get to the end of the level to recharge and re-energize. If I don't, bad things happen.

For me, I ultimately shut down.

Perhaps you need more to understand.  Maybe you get it, and I, and others like me, sincerely appreciate it.

Here is a huge fact.  The recharge must take place somewhere that we deem as "safe."

This can be in any number of places.  For me, it has been several spots over the years. It was in my room when I was a kid or at my computer. It was spending the night with my great-grandmother or hanging with my grandpa at his cabin. It has been "up north." In days past, it has been my church late at night, to play the piano and worship God. It is my office at home, my bedroom and at times snuggling with my babies.  It can be any number of places, but they must be "safe."

This creates a predicament when one goes to camp or on a youth group trip or on college choir tours or on that one trip to Chicago with the psych department. It was also why I had so much trouble adjusting to college roommates in those fairly small rooms. I didn't realize all this until tonight.

When you are in those circumstances, that "safe" place becomes few and far between and at the end of the night, it is quite simply your bed.

So you can imagine the problems for this type of individual when pranks are done to bedding with oregano on pillows and shaving gel in sleeping bags and tricks played while you're trying to sleep.  I acknowledge that these can be fun things to do for some. I get it.  But for the person who needs somewhere to recharge, this becomes a nightmare.

Mind you, I get over it, as do many others. We do grow through those moments to some degree, but let me caution those who are thinking that "this too will pass."

Folks - I need you to realize something. This list usually shrinks, it rarely gets longer.

With time, some of those disappear naturally.  My great-grandmother died in 2003 and my grandpa left for Heaven in 2016.  But even then, I think my last visit, just with him, was years before that. Those two safe places were crossed off, making my list shorter

The church, for me, once a place of safety, has now, memories of hurt and pain.  The release of holding my breath doesn't happen anymore when I walk through the doors. This is not to bash any church I've attended, nor the current one, which my family calls our "home church."  It's just to let you know that, for me, this is another place that I had to cross off the list.

Thankfully, "Up North" is still a place where every concern and hurt disappears and I'm so thankful to God that I have access to it.

And for the most part, my home office, my bedroom and snuggling with the kids is still a part of my life that is "redeemed" at the end of the day.

This brings up some good questions. If you reject someone in their safe place and that is their home, where will they go when they are empty?  What happens if the recharge never takes place?

This is where the danger arises.  For you Sci-Fi lovers, our shields or force field can only hold for so long and when they are completely down...well, I think you get the picture.

I have found that this is where Satan attacks me the most. It's my vulnerable and weak area.  It's when the thoughts of loneliness and fear and depression pummel me like photon torpedoes against the ships hull.

The only answer at this point, if I even have the effort left in me, is to cry out to Jesus. But I can't just cry out for help, I have to let Him protect me. I must allow him to restore and renew my body. Yes, because physically, I am spent. Emotionally, I am exhausted.  There is just no other way.  It's usually in that moment that I crawl up into a ball and just weep.

Now, one more thing. Before I learned to cry out for Jesus, the only answer was that I no longer wanted to be alive. I didn't want to experience what is the excruciating emotional anguish that came during those times of having no where to go and no where to escape. I knew Christ! I had a relationship with Him, but this part of me was so weak and frail, it wasn't as easy as you think to reach out to Him.  Besides, I had spent many years, in my own strength learning how to cope.

It might be hard for some of you to understand this.  How could a Christian even think of taking his own life? To you, that is an oxymoron in the language of faith! Yes, that IS what it appears to be. But please don't look down on us!  Do not turn your back on your brother or your sister. We need you to pray for us.

And to those that are like me and who might be reading this and completely agreeing with several nods of the head, yeah..you.  If right now you are feeling lonely or afraid and maybe you are THIS close to crawling up into a ball and ready to hide; I urge you to reach out with whatever energy is left and cry out to Jesus.  Because He loves you so much that He gave of His life, so you could be restored and renewed. Not only that, but He died and rose from the dead so you could be safe in His arms!

Hi. My name is Chris. I am a self proclaimed and very self aware "extroverted introvert." I still find myself looking for that place to escape and recharge, but I'm sure glad that when I feel I'm at the end of my rope, that I can look into the face of God and experience safety that never ends.

What Must I Do?

"Good Teacher.....What must I DO to inherit eternal life?"
The question was posed. Jesus already knew the answer. He already knew how this man lived his life. Jesus chose His words carefully.
“Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘You shall not commit adultery, you shall not murder, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother."
Jesus essentially said, "Hey man. You know all the rules. You're great at keeping them!"
I see the man replying with a slight change in his stance, right? He stands a little straighter and probably sticks out his chest a little with pride. "All these I have followed since I was a boy."
Translation: "I've been a Christian all my life. I've been to church every time the doors are open. I sing in the choir. I'm Sunday School superintendent. I always help little old ladies across the street. I tithe on a regular basis. I even give above and beyond my tithe to missionaries. You bet I know these rules!"
Then it comes. Not necessarily with a hammer or with condemnation. Remember, Jesus starts out the reply with making it clear that He is not good, it is but God alone.
“You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
Silence. Crickets. The man just stares back. He doesn't even blink.
And the story ends. This is from Luke's perspective in Chapter 18:18-22. In another of the Gospels, we get a description that this man was a "rich young ruler." In that same perspective, we read that "He went away sad."
Just following the rules wasn't the answer here! Right?
Jesus required ALL of him!
Remember Peter? Ha. Love this guy! I'm kind of like him. I'll jump in the water without thinking then midway, I'm over-analyzing everything and it's only Jesus that saves me. I always seem to jump into something feet first and charge like a bull. That was Peter.
Remember what he said to Jesus? "I'll give you my ears and elbows and feet and hands and armpits!"
Well...he didn't say all of that, but it's a close Rayment interpretation.
And even though Peter was willing to give verbally and stand up in front of the whole group of disciples and declare that, he still ended up denying Christ. He followed all the rules, then was afraid to go ALL THE WAY!
What stopped these men from going any farther?
The answer is simple. Trust.
At that exact moment in their lives, they couldn't part with what was important to them because they weren't willing to put their full trust in God.
I want to be honest with you. I have a problem in trusting God.
Yup. I sure do. And it took for my life to be where it is right now in order to finally see that.
I haven't been trusting him in any of my decisions. I didn't trust him financially, even though I have testified at how He has provided for my family ALL THE TIME. I barreled on through. I charged like a bull. I thought I knew what the right thing to DO was. But I left Jesus behind.
Did you read that?
I LEFT Jesus behind. He didn't leave me! He kept His distance so that I would learn my lesson, but HE NEVER LEFT ME. I left Him.
Because I couldn't come to fully trust in Him. I thought that I had figured out the solution. I thought I was wiser than He and I walked away.
Jesus is standing before you this morning. He's standing before me. He needs our undivided attention.
This means we need to turn off the television, the iPhone, the podcast, the Facebook, the talk show on the radio, even the Pokemon GO app.
Picture Him as He brings His mighty hand, places it under our chin, and raises our head so that our eyes meet.
And He replies, “You still lack one thing." Trust.
Give up all that you think you have and all that you think you have to have. Give up the plans you've made. Let go of what you treasure most.
"Then come, follow me.”

Chloe...and Comfort

August 15, 2015 - I just realized that this never was posted.  Most know of our story and know the happy ending it was, but I thought I would post anyway.
____________________________________________________
Dec 8, 2014....will be a day that will live....okay...I'm not Franklin Roosevelt.  I'm far from it.  And it will be a day that Amy and I will never forget.  I'm pretty sure Chloe will, but we won't.

We arrived at Riley Hospital at about 8:30am and after registering we were taken to a pre-op room where Chloe's vitals were taken.  We also had the chance to talk one on one with the Anesthesiologist, Dr. Walker, and then we had the opportunity to talk with the head surgeon, Dr. Askegard.  She once again explained the procedure.  We signed a few pieces of papers that said we were okay with them taking the knife and putting to sleep our baby, then the time came to give her up.  Our Pastor, Steve Colter, came into the room and prayed for us as we held her and kissed on her one more time.

Then we were shuffled off to a "Family Lounge."  It's a fancy way of saying.."waiting room."  So we waited.  Every hour we had updates and I passed the time away.

 A little before 1:30pm, we were escorted to a consultation room.  We were warned up front that this was not a bad thing, but that it was formality.  Dr. Askegard joined us and after a second, she told us that the surgery was a success.  That everything went perfectly!  We were so thankful and with tears of joy we walked back into the waiting room.

It wasn't long after that we were directed to go into the Recovery unit and there we saw our little girl for the first time since giving her up.  We found her wide awake and Amy was happy to be able to hold her.  Within the hour, with Mommy in a wheelchair and carrying her baby, we were taken to the 9th floor.

Over the course of the next 24 hours we would start to become re-acclimated with our surroundings, while our Ms. Chloe would start to get the pain meds she would need to start the healing process.

However, I must stop there because to the world, the healing process had begun, but I know that it wasn't true.  God had already put into place those that would be praying without ceasing around us.  Before we even left our home on Sunday, a couple of dear friends from The Pointe, here in Marion, came over to pray with us.  My grandmother and momma came to be with us and pray with us.  And there is no end it seems to those that were praying all over the country.  Before we even left the hotel for the hospital we had friends and family praying.  They were more than that, though.  They were our brothers and sisters in Christ.

We received all kinds of notices that people were praying for us.  We also received the best kind of encouragement; The Word of God.  The night before my Uncle Gary and Aunt Marge sent me this:

" For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." Zephaniah 3:17

God had already begun the healing process before the surgery began.  So when we left our girl that night to get some rest, we were confident that He had it all under control.

In the morning, we found her all calm and peaceful.  The nurse did a great job getting the meds regulated.  I was pleased.  But even more so, was her Mommy.

Chloe...Hope

I'm not really sure what to write.  Just felt I needed to "do" something as I sit here in anticipation.  Sure I'm anxious and nervous and scared.  Tears have come and gone.  "What ifs" have popped in my mind.  I thought I'd be okay by piling in a Transformers movie marathon with the boys over the weekend.  I thought it would take my mind off of "it."  But I'd be kidding myself...I was kidding myself.

Then late last night we got in the final pics from our photography session with Ms. Miranda.  The above pic is one of the ones she took.  Oh it was the whole family too.  Something that my wife, Amy, has been wanting for a long time.  She's waited nearly 5 years for professional pics.  But...

We all know we scheduled the pics because of "it."  That thing that's coming up on Monday and has to deal with our little Chloe.  Because nothing in life is forever, right?  Isn't that what we say all the time to relieve ourselves of the grief or disappointment?

The Bible says that the "Lord giveth and He taketh away."  But it also says that God is our "ever present help in time of trouble."  Jesus promised us that He would never leave us nor forsake us.

I think the verses I have been holding onto the most these past several weeks are:

"³ We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. ⁴ And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. ⁵ And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." - Romans 5:3-5 (NLT)

"I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." - Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)

It feels like we've come a long journey.  But it's only been a few weeks.  It's only been a few bumps and potholes in the road of life.  And in the grand scheme of what we will see on this earth, we've really not been through a lot.  That's at least what I can say right now as I feel like I'm sitting in the eye of the storm.

You know what I'm talking about, right?  That place in the storm where everything seems to be right.  That place in life where you can see this picture and think, "Man, I am so blessed by the Lord."

Everything is right where it should be.  And praise be to God for that!  Of course!

Tomorrow is Sunday.  We will head to church like we always do.  We've asked the pastor there to anoint our daughter with oil and pray over her, over the doctors, surgeons and nurses, and he will most likely pray, "Your will, Lord, not ours."  We'll have many people tell us they are praying for us and I know they will be.  Then we'll come home and finish packing for the week.

We'll then sit around and wait for Amy's mom to drive from Traverse City, Michigan, and for my mom and grandmother to drive from Davison, Michigan.  Amy's mom will stay with our other beautiful babies and care for them.  My family will come to Indy with us and will stand vigil with us as we try to get a good night's sleep at a nearby hotel.  Thankful to my mom and grandma for taking care of this cost.

Our baby will only be allowed to have Pedialyte tomorrow through 7:00am on Monday.  Then we will make the very short trip from the hotel to Riley and be there at 8:30am.  At this time, the nurses and doctors will start to get vitals and then she will be given something that will make her sleep while they insert an I.V.  Then around 10am, we'll give our baby up completely to the surgical team and we will wait about three and a half hours.  I pray that it will not feel longer.

We ask that you will join us in prayer as many of you have already been doing.  Pray that God will bring Chloe through this.  Pray that God will guide the surgeon and the surgical team.  That every movement they make will be according to His plan.

For that is what it's about....His plan.  Not our plan.  Thanks for reading this.  I pray this song will help bring you encouragement as it has for me.

Chloe...and Faith

I thought I would take the time to update you on Chloe.


She is our precious one.  She opens her eyes often and looks around at everything.  But she still loves to cuddle with Mommy after she pigs out.

 And of course while Mommy is home with her, she has the privilege of being loved on by her big
sister, Katy.  Katy is such a huge help too!  No.  She REALLY is!  We are blessed to have such a bunch of caring siblings, but there is nothing like being sisters...or so I'm told.
 

This past Tuesday we took baby to Riley for a check up.  Our doctor, Dr. Johanna Askegard-Giesmann, had been called away to an emergency to St. Vincent and could not be at our appointment.  We saw her partner Dr. Karen West who was very positive about Chloe's condition and current health.  We were told to continue to dilate her, but to increase the size to the next number.

Then Amy (my lover of all medical shows, etc) asked what the surgery would entail.  I kind of wish she wouldn't have.  I think I was in the good kind of denial and thought it to be a simple procedure.  It is not at all simple.

The anus must be moved probably about 1-2 inches from its current location.  There it will need to be attached to muscle tissue which means more incisions.  After that process is complete there will then need to be reconstructive work to fill in the space created between the anus and the vaginal area.  This is especially important if she ever plans to have children.

After the surgery, Chloe will then need to be watched for infection and allow for healing.  This will take 5-7 days total including the surgery.  During this time Amy will have to pump since she will not be able to feed our baby.  Baby will receive all her food and fluid intravenously.

After that, we will hopefully be able to take her home where we will wait another two to three weeks and then once again return to Riley for a post op appointment.  Here the doctor will start the next series of dilation.

That's what we know so far.  The surgery will most likely be scheduled at the beginning of December.

I am struggling with this a lot.  The more it becomes a reality, the more my heart takes over.  I'm scared.  I don't want to take my daughter down there to have surgery.  In my mind she's fine.  There's nothing wrong with her.  Yes, I know this isn't true.  I just wish it was.

We're faced with decisions about what to do with our other three wonderful kids during this time.  Do I work after a few days?  Does Amy come home at all?  Who will watch them this time?

I believe God is in control.  I know He has everything in His sight and He knows my heart.  It just doesn't make this next couple of months any easier.

We could really use your prayers.  We have continued to be blessed by meals, cards, and gifts.  We couldn't ask for a better family and church family.  They have given us so much support.  But in all honesty, I think we're going to need it even more in the coming weeks.  Thank you so much for all you have done.  It won't be forgotten.

Keep praying for Chloe!

Chloe...Blooming

Chloe Elyse

We want to start out by letting you know that from the beginning we never once forgot about all those little ones, nor their parents, that have experienced similar situations.

Abbey

Matthew

Mason

Gabby

Nicole

Ezra

Those names kept rolling through our hearts and minds.  We remembered hearing about how their parents processed and went through that time; those times in their lives.  Some of them still make trips and visits to hospitals.

It was a little after 11:30pm on Monday, October 27, when Amy said the words "All right.  Let's go."  It feels like an eternity.  We got to the hospital, got registered and were escorted upstairs.  We were placed in LDR 6.  Time: 12:10am, Tuesday, October 28.

Our little Chloe Elyse was born at 1:58am just under 2 hours later and like the last two without any pain medications (GO AMY!).  She weighed 7lbs 6.2oz and was 20in long.  She came out just like all three of our babies have come out.  Perfect.

Moments after delivery

We had a great couple of Facetime sessions with grandparents as they were introduced to their newest granddaughter.  We were excited when it seemed she was going to nurse well and latched on well.

The nurse came to us in LDR 6 and needed to take Chloe to get her shots, etc.  They moved us in to Rm 444 (I think it was because we now had 4 kids? Ha!)  We decided now would be a good time to get some sleep.  Time: 5:04am, Tuesday, October 28.

It was 20 minutes later when the nurse arrived into the room.  I was going to ignore her and keep sleeping because I figured she was there for Amy and not me.  So I started to drift off.  That's when I heard from Amy, "Chris.  CHRIS."

I took the covers off and sat on the side of the little "chair" bed that I was on.  That was when the nurse told us that Chloe was having trouble getting warmed up.  They were trying to do this because they wanted to give her a bath.  They kept taking her temperature under her arm but needed a more accurate reading.  So she decided she was going to try a rectal thermometer.  But she couldn't find a place of entry.  There was no opening.  We were informed that she had an impatent anus.

This wasn't totally unsettling until the words came out of her mouth.  "We're going to have to transfer her to another facility." That's when we realized this was no small matter.  But praise be to God because not less than 10 minutes after we were told, a dear friend from our church, who is also a nurse, came into our room.  She gave Amy a hug and then asked, "Can I pray with you guys?"  

Just when we needed it the most God put her in our path.

The next hour or so was spent trying to make plans for our other three kids.  A huge thanks to Bev (Amy's mom) who canceled the appointments she had to come down and give our kids a sense of comfort and normalcy.  What a blessing.  We also had to see if Amy could be discharged and what hospital were we going to send our little baby girl.  During this time we posted a few statuses to Facebook and the prayers, texts, emails and calls started to pour in.

One such call was from a teacher friend of Amy's from Justice Intermediate where Amy works.  Amy and I had just discussed money and me missing work, etc.  The teacher said she'd take care of it.  A collection was taken.  An hour later two teachers showed up to Amy's room.  A significant amount of money was given to us.  

God knew what we needed and He reminded us that He wasn't going to leave us.

Amy's doctor came in and gave his consent to release her early so she could go down to Indy.  Meanwhile Riley Children's Hospital was called and the Lifeline ambulance was dispatched.  We waited, prayed and prepared.

I'm very thankful for the nurse (I never did get her name) who came to me and explained that when Lifeline would arrive they would come in with a team of EMTs and it might be overwhelming.  It allowed me to prepare my wife.  It allowed me to be prepared.  When they arrived we learned she wasn't kidding.  I took Amy back to the room to get dressed and to finish the discharge process.

A few minutes later the team arrived with Chloe.  We had to sign some paperwork.  We thanked them.  We prayed for the safety of the ambulance.  Then we touched our little one and with tears let her go on her way.

Time: 11:30am, Tuesday, October 28

 

Amy touches Chloe's little leg as she is strapped and ready for transport to Indy

It took us another 45 minutes to get ourselves loaded up and ready to head out.  All the while we were still receiving texts, calls, and FB comments.  People were praying.  Many took the time out of their day to kneel at the throne of God to ask for help for Chloe.  I even received a call from a friend in Indy.  He offered his home if needed and said he would come visit once he was available.

I wish I could list all those that offered a prayer, offered to help or bring us anything (several that were either coming to Indy or who live in Indy).  But the list would be way too long.  A fact that awed and amazed us.  We spent a lot of time with tears in our eyes.  Many times it was because of how grateful we were for God's provision.

God knows what we need when and where we need it.  Always.

We arrived at Riley and headed straight to Chloe's room.  There we sought information.  And praise the Lord, we received answers.

We were told that she HAD an opening!!!!!  After being told all the possibilities of what COULD be going on, the answer was so much BETTER than we could have hoped for.  But there still is an anomaly.  Our little Chloe has what is known as an imperforate anus.  The anus isn't in the proper location and is higher than normal.  The nurse said that we would be here at least 4 or 5 days.  When we asked if there would be surgery, we were told not during this visit.  Why was she being kept then?

We still didn't know if she had a functioning bowel.  The doctor also informed us that many times a baby with this condition also has other things that are wrong.  There would be several tests.  They needed to make sure.

The next several hours we discovered new and wonderful things about Riley.  We were given a room at the Ronald McDonald House that is within the hospital.  This place provides three meals daily for free to parents.  It also provides a free washer and dryer.  I've never truly understood humility until now.  How humbling is it to receive love from others you don't know!

This morning the surgery team came into the room to inform us of some news.  Our little Chloe was clear of any other anomalies!  The test results all came back negative!  God is good!  We even received better news when we learned that we would be able to take Chloe home on FRIDAY as long as she eats and gains some weight!  Please be praying for this to happen!  We miss our other kiddos too!

OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!  HE IS REAL!  HE IS FAITHFUL!  AMEN!

The road ahead...

We will be taught how to dilate Chloe's anus (which will need to take place 2 to 3 times daily) as we wait 6-8 weeks for her to grow so she can have surgery.  When that time comes we will come back down to Riley for a 2-3 day visit.  The surgery will move her anus to the correct location.  This will give her back the muscles used to push, etc.  We will then have visits every two weeks.  This will get longer in between until hopefully and prayerfully simple annual checkups.

What HOPE God brings to us during the times when there seems to be none!  HE IS GOOD!

We just want to thank everyone of you.  ALL of you who have been there with us on our journey.  We are so blessed.  AND HUMBLED.  We know we don't deserve your love, but you have given so freely.  Thank you for being Christ to us!