Hi. My name is Chris. I am a self proclaimed and very self aware "extroverted introvert."
For those that don't know, this means that I can be the life of a party for a time, but at some point, I must flee and recharge. I tell my small group that I have to go back to my "hole."
Still don't get it? Let's try video games. I only have so many "hearts" or length of a "life bar", and I must get to the end of the level to recharge and re-energize. If I don't, bad things happen.
For me, I ultimately shut down.
Perhaps you need more to understand. Maybe you get it, and I, and others like me, sincerely appreciate it.
Here is a huge fact. The recharge must take place somewhere that we deem as "safe."
This can be in any number of places. For me, it has been several spots over the years. It was in my room when I was a kid or at my computer. It was spending the night with my great-grandmother or hanging with my grandpa at his cabin. It has been "up north." In days past, it has been my church late at night, to play the piano and worship God. It is my office at home, my bedroom and at times snuggling with my babies. It can be any number of places, but they must be "safe."
This creates a predicament when one goes to camp or on a youth group trip or on college choir tours or on that one trip to Chicago with the psych department. It was also why I had so much trouble adjusting to college roommates in those fairly small rooms. I didn't realize all this until tonight.
When you are in those circumstances, that "safe" place becomes few and far between and at the end of the night, it is quite simply your bed.
So you can imagine the problems for this type of individual when pranks are done to bedding with oregano on pillows and shaving gel in sleeping bags and tricks played while you're trying to sleep. I acknowledge that these can be fun things to do for some. I get it. But for the person who needs somewhere to recharge, this becomes a nightmare.
Mind you, I get over it, as do many others. We do grow through those moments to some degree, but let me caution those who are thinking that "this too will pass."
Folks - I need you to realize something. This list usually shrinks, it rarely gets longer.
With time, some of those disappear naturally. My great-grandmother died in 2003 and my grandpa left for Heaven in 2016. But even then, I think my last visit, just with him, was years before that. Those two safe places were crossed off, making my list shorter
The church, for me, once a place of safety, has now, memories of hurt and pain. The release of holding my breath doesn't happen anymore when I walk through the doors. This is not to bash any church I've attended, nor the current one, which my family calls our "home church." It's just to let you know that, for me, this is another place that I had to cross off the list.
Thankfully, "Up North" is still a place where every concern and hurt disappears and I'm so thankful to God that I have access to it.
And for the most part, my home office, my bedroom and snuggling with the kids is still a part of my life that is "redeemed" at the end of the day.
This brings up some good questions. If you reject someone in their safe place and that is their home, where will they go when they are empty? What happens if the recharge never takes place?
This is where the danger arises. For you Sci-Fi lovers, our shields or force field can only hold for so long and when they are completely down...well, I think you get the picture.
I have found that this is where Satan attacks me the most. It's my vulnerable and weak area. It's when the thoughts of loneliness and fear and depression pummel me like photon torpedoes against the ships hull.
The only answer at this point, if I even have the effort left in me, is to cry out to Jesus. But I can't just cry out for help, I have to let Him protect me. I must allow him to restore and renew my body. Yes, because physically, I am spent. Emotionally, I am exhausted. There is just no other way. It's usually in that moment that I crawl up into a ball and just weep.
Now, one more thing. Before I learned to cry out for Jesus, the only answer was that I no longer wanted to be alive. I didn't want to experience what is the excruciating emotional anguish that came during those times of having no where to go and no where to escape. I knew Christ! I had a relationship with Him, but this part of me was so weak and frail, it wasn't as easy as you think to reach out to Him. Besides, I had spent many years, in my own strength learning how to cope.
It might be hard for some of you to understand this. How could a Christian even think of taking his own life? To you, that is an oxymoron in the language of faith! Yes, that IS what it appears to be. But please don't look down on us! Do not turn your back on your brother or your sister. We need you to pray for us.
And to those that are like me and who might be reading this and completely agreeing with several nods of the head, yeah..you. If right now you are feeling lonely or afraid and maybe you are THIS close to crawling up into a ball and ready to hide; I urge you to reach out with whatever energy is left and cry out to Jesus. Because He loves you so much that He gave of His life, so you could be restored and renewed. Not only that, but He died and rose from the dead so you could be safe in His arms!
Hi. My name is Chris. I am a self proclaimed and very self aware "extroverted introvert." I still find myself looking for that place to escape and recharge, but I'm sure glad that when I feel I'm at the end of my rope, that I can look into the face of God and experience safety that never ends.
